Why I'll Never Be on the Food Network

Superbro used to say that if a meal had more than three ingredients, I wouldn't be able to cook it. This isn't completely accurate; I can bake, which prepares me well for my destiny as the grandma who bakes cookies and cakes and pies, just like the one in The Gingerbread Man.

However, it is true that I'm completely ADD when I try to prepare anything other than baked goods. The other night, I started sauteeing some squash from our garden, then forgot about it when I moved on to make pesto. The squash burned, so we had to start over. I say "we" because when I screw things up in the kitchen, Superman has to take over and fix dinner. Good thing he likes to cook.

Superman enjoys telling the story of how he used to get home from work and find me cooking dinner in an attempt to make his life easier as he finished his Ph.D. As soon as he walked in the door, however, I would typically greet him, then hand him the spatula and walk away with the phone to call someone, usually Supermom. Superman, in fact, often cooks for our dinner parties, if there's any chance of the food not being table-ready before the guests arrive, because I can't talk and cook at the same time. Something will suffer, and it won't be the conversation.

I also break things--for example, a ramekin and a cute red bowl bit the dust, one after the other, several weeks ago.

I have accepted my limitations. I make a lot of enchiladas, lasagna, and pasta dishes for guests, which have relatively simple ingredients and can be prepped ahead of time, leaving me plenty of time to concentrate on the cooking process and work slowly--so that all the dishes remain intact.

I do make great salads, if I say so myself--often with as many as five ingredients! I *am* the salad queen in our house.

However, clearly, I will never be the star of my own Food Network show. I can't imagine trying to tell people what I'm doing and actually being able to execute it--never mind being engaging and perky! Now, I know that often food is prepped ahead of time on those shows, but even still, I just picture myself starting to talk to the audience, then getting distracted and falling silent, or walking off the set with my spatula to go make a phone call. I am very impressed by Amy, the "gourmet next door" who just won a role as the next new Food Network host. Go Amy...better you than me, sister.